Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect pastor preaches exactly 12 minutes.

He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.

He works from 8: a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.

He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.

He is 28 years of age, and he's been preaching for 30 years.

He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.

He gives of himself completely but never gets too close to anyone lest he be criticized.

He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become polically involved.

He has a burning desire to work with teenagers; he spends all his time with senior citizens.

He makes 15 calls daily on parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of this list. In one week you will receive 1,643 pastors; at least one of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than 30 days.